Things That Do Not Work, Part Two
Fearless Fashion

Vignettes In Search of Coherence

Apologies in advance for this random assortment of stories with no real point or connection; I am simply too beyond obsessed with the Entitled Rich People With Kids Who Don't SAT Good College Cheating Scandal story that I cannot go a 10 full minutes without refreshing my news feed. It's like the universe knew I was fresh out of Fyre Festival and Theranos documentaries/podcasts/memes and gave me a little gift of righteous schadenfreude, with an extra topping of fraud and Influencers and A GODDAMN DESPERATE HOUSEWIFE. 

***

For the first time (....in forever) (gaaaahhhhh nooo what have I done) (I'm sorry, I could delete that and spare you but I refuse to suffer alone), I was NOT awoken by Noah's godforsaken foghorn of an alarm clock. Instead, I woke up to the blindingly bright flashlight on Jason's phone shining directly in my eyes at 6 a.m. while he frantically whispered:

Blood. There's so much blood.  

He was running around pointing the light at the floor, at tiny drops of red near his side of the bed, out into the hallway and then to an alarmingly large puddle on the stairs. 

"I don't know whose blood this is!" he said. "But there's a lot of it! Check the dogs! Find the cats!"

I stared at the floor half-asleep and massively confused, and then looked back at my husband.

"That's not blood. That's red wine. I think you spilled your wine?"

It was his turn to stare. 

"Oh. You're right. I did. Never mind."

He left for work; I went back to bed. Neither of us cleaned up the wine.

***

Last night after dinner Ike randomly started doing dramatic barrel rolls all over the house while repeatedly screaming COOL GUYS DON'T LOOK BACK AT EXPLOSIONS over and over again. I approve!

***

Somehow, Ezra is now part of not one, but TWO separate cricket teams -- one representing his school, then a county-wide travel team -- so we're schlepping back and forth from practices three times a week. The actual game schedules haven't been finalized yet, so I don't even know what we're fully in for, especially since I'm still confused about:

1) How the whole two team thing happened; they just kept sending me registration forms for practice sessions and then team practice sessions and I thought they were for One Thing but no, this is a whole cricket EMPIRE with BRACKETS and TIERS and that's how they GET YOU and your ETERNAL SOUL and HALF OF YOUR WEEKNIGHTS AND WEEKENDS.

2) How I also got roped into not-exactly-volunteering-for-yet-here-I-am taking on the job of Team Mom for the school team, and...

3) Cricket. Just in general. 

Anyway, Ezra's having fun. And I'm trying to fix my confusion over 3) as quickly as possible because I missed the part of the Team Mom description that mentioned tracking player and team statistics and I do not know how to do that at all. I'm so getting fired, I am sure of it.

***

Here is a mean thing that I did.

Comments

Lori

I so, so, so, so approve of that mean thing you did. Ha!

Holly

HA. Freakin' cats. Love it.

Emily

Trying not to be concerned that Jason was unaware he spilled that much wine.........because wasting good wine is just unacceptable.

Abby

Okay that wine story made me literally laugh out loud (and by out loud I mean silently in my cubicle).

Amy W.

I hope you get to be the kind of team mom that just has to bring snacks and juice boxes, and not the team mom that has to track down parents for money and tries to get them to volunteer to fill the team’s slot in the concession stand. I love helping and being involved - but I hate hate HATE being in charge of anything where I have to try to recruit others to help. It is the most stressful thing to me because I’m apparently one of those people who is easy to say “no” to. I have 5 months left out of a 2 year term on the League Board. I cannot wait for the day I get to turn my keys in.

Phoebe

THANK YOU! (for the mean thing you did) I needed a giggle after the shitastic week I've had in cubicle land.

Laurel

I hate to tell you this, but some cricket games last 3-5 days. They're called "tests" and yes, yes they are.

Isabel

Cricket is a lovely sport and thankfully at Ezra's level they have the 1 day games of 50 overs (or less). You'll enjoy it but if it's played on an outside cricket pitch you may want to really stock up on sunblock! Have so much fun with it though.

Kate

Haha I do that with my cat all the time and now he meows at me until I turn on the faucet. Also I only have a cat because of you because I was like “how much trouble could one cat be? Look Amalah has a zoo at her house ILL BE FINE.” The answer is that one car can cause a lot of chaos.

Limdsay

Watch out, before you know it rich people might start photoshopping their children’s heads onto pictures of Ezra’s body to get those sweet sweet cricket scholarships.

Kelly Skelton

Cricket? I've never heard of kids playing cricket in the US! We will need photographic evidence of tiny cricket players ASAP.

Carrie

I too am obsessed with the Theranos disaster, so feel it is my duty to let you know that there is an HBO documentary out today! I am far far too excited about this, it’s a little embarrassing.

Amelia

That blood story was legit terrifying! You guys are so special to me after MANY years of following your adventures, so I keep popping in to say Hey and be delightfully surprised. My browser hates your security certificate and my phone refused to direct me to your site when I typed “amalah.com” but ha ha, Google still knows where you are. I’m worried that other folks might be getting turned away by their over-vigilant browsers too which would hurt your stats, so I am just sending you a note to say: I love your blog (even if my browser does not.)

Genevieve

Just read a good middle-grade book where cricket is a major plot point: Pay Attention, Carter Jones, by Gary D. Schmidt. (He wrote my favorite Newbery Honor of the last couple decades, The Wednesday Wars.) All the chapter headings are explanations of cricket terms and rules.

The comments to this entry are closed.