I recently had to pass a drug screen and background check for work -- for a contract job I've had for over two years now and successfully not done while coked out of my mind and/or while committing various felonies, not even once, but I guess you can never be too careful with us shifty freelance types. I did not fail the drug screen, though I did initially fail the TAKING of the drug screen. Because I didn't pee enough. The ONE thing I needed to do that entire day was to pee in a cup and I couldn't pee enough in the cup.
(This is what happens when you successfully medicate my anxiety, people. One time I showed up for a 20-week ultrasound with a bladder so full I burst into hysterical tears while signing in at the front desk and then spent a terrible 10 minutes in the restroom trying to pee just some of it out, but not all of it, because then we wouldn't be able to see the babyyyyyyy and find out the sex and everything in the entire universe would be ruined. RUINED I SAY.)
I was directed to a water cooler in the waiting area and told to sit and wait an hour or so before trying again. I asked if I could like, leave and come back another time and you'd think I'd asked if I could go meet my heroin-and-clean-pee guy real quick. No, I was not allowed to leave, I was to sit there with my paper cone cup of shame-water and think about HOW HARD WOULD IT HAVE BEEN TO JUST SHOW UP A LITTLE MORE HYDRATED? STOP WASTING PEOPLE'S TIME WITH YOUR THIRSTY ASS.
I am pleased to report that my second attempt went much better, and also that I passed, and also also spent the rest of the day peeing like a racehorse every 20 minutes or so because I chugged SO MUCH damn water while in that damn waiting room.
The background check was also an exercise in Everything Involving Amy Gets Super Complicated For Some Reason, since they asked for seven years' work of tax information to prove that yes, I am indeed gainfully self-employed and never bankrupted a casino or three. Do you know where seven years' worth of your tax information is? Because I am not The New York Times, I did not. I managed to track down everything back to 2013, and then weirdly found everything prior to 2008, but I could not find 2012.
So I said hi, I'm really sorry, but I can't find my 1099s from 2012. I can show you some even older ones, or extra 1099s from some more recent short-term work, or my LLC paperwork, and also, can I point out that I passed this very same background check TWO YEARS AGO, so maybe look that one up and see that 2012 was just another pretty boring year in my life? I did some work, paid some taxes, probably talked about bodily functions on the Internet?
They said sorry, if I couldn't provide 1099s, I'd need to provide this other form of documentation, with this "other form" being the name of something I'd never even heard of and most DEFINITELY didn't have lying around in a box somewhere (FROM SEVEN YEARS AGO). I even forwarded the request to Jason and HE had no idea what they were talking about. I bet they were just making shit up to see if I'd crack and admit to spending 2012 on the lam for all the crimes I committed eight years ago.
Luckily, Jason remembered that one of my holy crap I feel somewhat human again projects involved cleaning out my office, and that while I'd already searched every drawer, bin and box currently IN the office...I probably forgot to look the bin I'd temporarily* stashed in the basement bathroom. The bathroom directly next to my office, the one I use multiple times a day (BECAUSE I'M SO PROPERLY HYDRATED), and yet never thought to look through.
Lo and behold, all the missing years of taxes and 1099s were there, and I was able to defend my employment honor and successfully clear the background check. I started work (again) this week, and am basically set for life, and/or for two years when company contractor rules dictate that I do all of this, all over again.
*Temporarily as in a couple months ago. It's still there, actually. But look at how it blends in with the floor!