1. First, they will attempt to convince you to also join an amateur ping pong league, as their team needs three more people.
2. You will tell them NO. Never in a million years will you join an amateur ping pong league, because you are terrible at ping pong and even more terrible at losing.
3. They will text all your friends to see if THEY want to join an amateur ping pong league.
4. Your friends all respond with their personal favorite variation of a WAIT WHAT? gif and then politely change the subject.
5. The league will manage to sign up three other teamless/friendless losers and complete the team.
6. They will volunteer to be team captain because "nobody else wanted to."
7. They will be lying. And also a little giddy.
8. It's actually kind of cute!
9. A very specific, very fancy ping pong paddle will arrive in an Amazon box. You will laugh at the fancy box and ask them if they actually plan to carry the paddle around in the fancy box. They will say no.
10. They will be lying. A specialty paddle care and cleaning kit will show up along the way too.
11. They will go to their first match.
12. They will win.
13. It is all over for you now.
14. The next box from Amazon contains four less-fancy paddles, a bunch of balls and a portable net that attaches to your dining room table.
15. This means you and the kids can help them practice ping pong! See, you're being included. As a family. It's all so fucking wholesome.
16. They will ask you to come to the next match. You will agree because there is beer.
17. One team member can't make it to the match, and everyone will look at you expectantly, like, do you want to fill in?
18. You will scream, melt into the floor, and slither off like a puddle of bloody goo, or those possessed people from Stranger Things 3.
19. Then you will politely say no and blame your lack of a hair tie.
20. A very, very large Amazon box will arrive, containing a full-size folding ping pong table that also attaches to your dining room table despite being entirely too large for your dining room. They will blame a simply too-good-to-pass-up Prime Day deal.
21. Yeah, sure. Okay. WHY YOU BE LYING?
22. At the next match, their very specific, very fancy paddle goes temporarily missing, causing entire minutes of Shakespearean-level drama among the entire amateur ping pong league.
23. Everybody buys another beer and agrees to label their paddles more clearly.
24. Their team somehow advances to the playoff rounds.
25. Your dining room table is now home to a giant-ass net and a rotating ping pong robot.
26. The ping pong balls will multiply across your house like stray socks and dust bunnies.
27. Five minutes after arriving for the ping pong championships of the world this one specific Baltimore neighborhood, they will learn that one of their teammates has been in a car accident and (while fine and unhurt!) is unable to make the match.
28. They will look at you.
29. You will look at the hair tie around your right wrist.
30. Oh God Oh No Oh Please Oh Fuck
31. And that's how you, despite having never played a single actual competitive match of ping pong in your entire life, will end up playing in multiple final rounds of an amateur ping pong league on a Monday night when you totally could have stayed home and watched Queer Eye instead.
32. You will also lose all of your matches, but at least will not lose them wholly spectacularly, and your team of fellow ragtag underpongs will manage to snag third place.
33. It will also be understood that you will be the teams' new designated sub for next season, which starts in...three weeks.
34. You will go home and spend some time with that ping pong robot, because next time you're going to fucking WIN and DESTROY and IN SUMMARY: