Up For Air
July 12, 2019
Hiiiiiii.
How are you?
I've been okay!
Okay. Well, that's probably a flat-out lie, or at least a wild exaggeration.
It's actually been a rough couple weeks.
Everything's fine, of course. I've just been...kinda sad again, and overwhelmed by...everything, again.
Kids have camp drop-off at 8:30? Gonna squeeze in at least three vivid anxiety dreams about fucking it up between the hours of 1 and 5:30 a.m.
Conference call at 10 a.m.? Better start worrying about Skype not working by 9, triple check the meeting invite around 9:30, start staring at clock at 9:45, then contemplate various imaginary reasons for missing it altogether at 9:59.
Two whole text messages from two whole separate people? Better just ignore those for awhile (because they COULD just be saying hi but they ALSO COULD be full of bad and terrible news and/or calling me a bad and terrible friend). Can later just pretend my phone broke, or something.
(SPOILER ALERT: they were just saying hi.)
Things have regulated back out this week, I'm happy (what a word!) to report. I've made the jump between "getting through the day with the bare minimum of necessary executive functioning to survive" and like, "being a normal productive human who gets shit done." It's a huge -- if kind of quicksand-y -- leap.
There's been an awful lot of thunderstorms lately. Jake is terrified of thunderstorms. He hides in our pillows.
I feel you, boo.
In other animal news, I am happy (yes! that word again!) to report that one of our patio toads has returned.
The toad abides.
I don't know if it's Maury or Connie, and I don't want to talk about the toad we found squished to a pancake-y oblivion on our driveway last month. I'm just happy to have one of them back, especially because the beetle situation on our patio is INSANE right now.
Finally, Beau has had enough of being outside, what with the heat and humidity and thunderstorms and beetles.
View this post on InstagramNot even going to apologize for the filthy glass door because just look at what I'm up against.
PLEASE SEND WINDEX.
Hi patio toad! And I'm sorry you have had a rough time. Summer has been tough for me to deal with for many years. This one has been moderately more happy. Wishing the same for you.
Posted by: flybigd | July 12, 2019 at 10:45 AM
The legs on Beau! Incredible!
And thanks for being real with us. Your honesty about your struggles inspire others.
Posted by: Margaret @ApproachingFood | July 12, 2019 at 10:56 AM
I don't know what it is about summer, but the anxiety over here has been super high too. Camp just fucks my shit up. The constant worrying about being outside of my routine has me exhausted from mini panic attacks. Yuck, yuck, yuck. Sorry you are dealing with shit too!
Posted by: Ada | July 12, 2019 at 12:18 PM
Summer = hell, sometimes. I hope you have a great beach week sometime, or just a week of calm --- you are incredible and windex is totally useless ...
Posted by: Elizabeth_K | July 12, 2019 at 12:54 PM
Hang on. We need you. ??med change???
Posted by: jane | July 12, 2019 at 01:20 PM
Congratulations on getting back some functionality! One foot in front of the other (except when salsa dancing, that is)...
Posted by: KC | July 12, 2019 at 03:28 PM
Oh my goodness. I've been thrown by a few bouts of irrational anxiety this summer, and it really caught me off guard. No major holidays, no school for the kids and plenty of time outside - what is triggering this? I'm fascinated to see all the raised hands here.
Posted by: Cara | July 12, 2019 at 04:13 PM
Thank you for sharing, even if it’s that you’re okay-ish. We’re always here. <3
Posted by: Chris | July 12, 2019 at 07:24 PM
Girl, you are a beautiful soul. I’m glad you’re feeling better. I’m glad you’re here. We have never met, but I have read your blog for years. You are an amazing writer who makes people feel connected to you. Much love to you and your fam.
Posted by: Melodie | July 12, 2019 at 09:14 PM
Thank you for telling us. I always, always, always like to hear from you no matter what.
Posted by: Lisa | July 12, 2019 at 11:58 PM
I am so glad you are pushing through, knowing better days are ahead. Thank you for sharing your emotions and journey.
Posted by: Sue W | July 13, 2019 at 05:10 AM
Something was in the air last week. I was having epic levels of anxiety, couldn't eat, fixated on my failures, and was a general mess. I'm glad we're both coming up for air, bit by bit.
Posted by: Jenny | July 13, 2019 at 12:43 PM
Sending so much love and positivity your way. Please continue to be honest and please keep reaching out.
Posted by: Kate | July 13, 2019 at 08:59 PM
Everyone seems so self aware. I'm over here totally stressed out and crying at work, asking "what the f is wrong with me?"
I guess I'm not alone...:) Power on!
Posted by: Shelly | July 15, 2019 at 04:56 PM
Thanks for sharing. It makes me feel less alone. There is something about summer time stress (I think it's 3 boys at home all summer with no break and still having all my other responsibilities) that just puts me in the pit of despair. Anyhow, thank you for sharing because it makes me feel a little less crazy.
I rarely comment, but yours is my favorite blog out there (and happily, one of the few bloggers who isn't "buy my LINK here" all day every day). You are such a talented writer and have such a gift for capturing your life...so thank you.
Posted by: ali | July 15, 2019 at 06:30 PM