(Things That Do Not Work is a sporadically running feature on things in my house/life/general existence that Do Not Work. Sporadically means "I haven't written one of these since March of 2019." Try using it in a sentence today! Anyway, here is Part One and Part Two.)
This towel rack. It Does Not Work.
This particular towel rack was left behind in the kids' bathroom by the previous owners, probably because they learned, as we have, that it Does Not Work. No one uses this towel rack. Except for me, when I hopefully and foolishly hang fresh, clean towels on it every laundry day LIKE A SUCKER.
THE FLOOR IS OUR TOWEL RACK NOW, MOTHER.
There is a photo somewhere, in the deepest recesses of my camera roll (aka last month), of two towels I discovered on the floor of their bathroom. One is absolutely covered in black mildew spots. The other has been peed on -- likely quite recently! -- by a dog. I will not post it here, because it is entirely too disgusting.
(Apologies to all of my friends and family members who received said photo in an ALL CAPS text message from me. You are the wind beneath my mold-towels.)
The worst part about that photo is that I snapped it after two out of my three children had already taken showers that evening.
I pulled all three of them into the bathroom after that for an illustrated, come-to-Jesus lesson on the importance of Hanging Your Damn Towels Up. I demonstrated how the towel rack worked! I showed them the alternative options, like the shower door handles, the built-in towel rack next to the tub, hell, I told them I would happily accept the goddamn doorknob -- just please, please stop leaving your towels in a damp cruddy mess on the floor.
...It Did Not Work.
This Does Not Work either:
But it does help explain to anyone who might be feeling a little judgy about why I enter this bathroom infrequently (SPORADICALLY) enough for the towels to sprout fungus and/or legs. Ugh. Gross.
This extra-large bathroom caddy -- that I meticulously selected and organized for them last year; try to imagine the carnage before it was there and I was asking them to use shit like the MEDICINE CABINET or the PLENTIFUL UNDER-THE-SINK STORAGE -- only Sort Of Works:
To address the obvious question of WHY do we have like, fourteen half-empty tubes of Tom's of Maine toothpaste, the answer is: I have no goddamn earthly idea.
But! Credit where credit is due! This automatic spray/air freshener gadget DOES Work!
I mean, it tries. It does its absolute best. Which is all any of us can do these days, right?