Nancy Drew and the Mystery of the Toilet Seat
February 11, 2020
Let's take a short break in all the mental health content and get back to what I'm best at: Overly long and involved stories about pee.
(Will Vyvanse effect the number of parenthetical tangents in this post? No idea! Let's find out together.)
So first, an update: Tormund the foster cat is still here. During his time as the January Pet of the Month he did get a couple of inquires and even one application, but alas. No adoption.
He's spending more and more time upstairs, thus retiring his "Basement Cat" nickname in favor of "Torrie."
He still prefers to spend the night in the basement guest room, but will now cautiously accept the occasional company.
Since the basement guest room and bathroom are also occasionally needed for human guests, we moved his litter box upstairs, next to Finn and Rey's boxes. (Inside what COULD be a wonderfully useful walk-in coat closet, but thanks to the wall-to-wall litter boxes, it is the Unholiest of Unholy Places, and we do not speak of it.) (It is also where we store all our IKEA shopping bags, and where we conveniently forget about them whenever we go to IKEA.) He seemed fine with the new arrangement and made regular trips to the box to poop.
This is important later. Bear with me.
A few weeks ago, we realized we had a serial pee-on-the-toilet-seat offender. This is not...unheard of in a house full of boys, but it seemed different. They weren't even bothering to raise the seat or flush. The splatter placement was...odd. It wasn't happening in their primary bathroom, but only in the basement and first floor powder room. We had a couple talks about proper bathroom etiquette and technique, thoroughly insulting ALL of them, who each claimed total innocence.
(It wasn't me! -- The Battle Cry of the Crayon-Holding Child Standing Next to a Freshly-Scribbled Crayon Wall Mural)
Fine! It was a ghost! Please pass the message along to the afterlife. Put the seat up. Flush. Use a Clorox wipe. TRY AIMING.
But then it happened when the boys were all at school. A previously-clean toilet was once again unflushed, and covered in a fine mist of seat splatter.
Maybe we do have a ghost?
Last week, the mystery was finally solved. I walked in the basement bathroom and there he was. Squatting on all fours on the edge of the toilet seat, letting out a racehorse-worthy stream of pee. I stared at him. He stared back with a steely, unblinking gaze.
Almost regal, in a way.
"DO YOU FUCKING MIND," it seemed to say.
Someone please adopt this cat. He's potty trained! I'll throw in some extra Clorox wipes, though.
I have read of such things but never knew if it was true. What a smart kitty!!
Posted by: Lori | February 11, 2020 at 11:09 AM
I love him! You should definitely ask them to update his adoption listing.
Posted by: Fraulein N | February 11, 2020 at 11:41 AM
Orange kitties are the best! I hope someone adopts him soon.
Posted by: SarahB | February 11, 2020 at 11:50 AM
FYI - Kitty Poo Club is pretty much the best invention since air conditioning -- disposable litter boxes that last a month and don't smell!!!
Posted by: Stephanie Hendricks | February 11, 2020 at 12:01 PM
Perhaps the lid should be open and then he'd maybe pee in to it? I'm hoping you figure out what the heck is happening with that cat, because ours is peeing in the sink. So while better than your predicament due to the drain/rinsing situation involved, it's still MIND BOGGLING. WHYYYYYY pee in the sink and poop in the litterbox?! Ours is currently spending day time locked in our master bath with his litter box (and food and water) for company cuz what.the.heck.
Posted by: MB | February 11, 2020 at 12:39 PM
So he was trained right?! That’s pretty cool. However to MB, have your cats bladder function and kidneys checked, anytime they pee somewhere weird could be a sign of a kidney issue! My friend’s cat would do the same thing and she ended up very ill. The vet explained that to them. <3
Posted by: Ashley | February 11, 2020 at 02:23 PM
I'd hold onto a kitty who can do that... and WILL do that. That's a jewel, right there!! =^..^=
Posted by: R Robicheaux | February 11, 2020 at 03:59 PM
We had a cat who trained himself to use the toilet. My dad took pictures of him sitting on the pot because no one believed him. And yes, my brothers and I were blamed for not flushing the toilet until my father came down and saw him.
Posted by: sheilah | February 11, 2020 at 06:01 PM
LOLOL! His expressions are priceless!
Posted by: Lindsay | February 11, 2020 at 06:44 PM
Geeeze, hooman. Can't a kitteh pee in peace?!
Posted by: Sue W. | February 11, 2020 at 07:59 PM
I totally read the '"DO YOU FUCKING MIND," it seemed to say. ' sentence like Eddie Izzard's squirrel '"Fuck off!" He seemed to say.' bit from Dressed to Kill.
Posted by: Natalie | February 11, 2020 at 11:48 PM
That is awesome! I once tried to train a cat to use the toilet. It was working fine until one day she fell in. Then it was never again.
Posted by: kristenm | February 12, 2020 at 11:52 AM
My friend trained her two boy kitties to use the toilet for ALL their bathroom needs. It is fabulous. Whenever we go over to her house we have to remember that we might have to flush before we use the toilet (as well as after, obvs), and also remember to always leave the lid up when we leave! There is nothing more indignant than the meow of a cat who goes to use the facilities and discovers you have put down the lid!
Posted by: Lisa | February 13, 2020 at 01:14 PM
I am kind of in love with this cat.
Posted by: Lori | February 14, 2020 at 05:21 PM