I came downstairs this morning to this, a mini Instant Oatmeal Apocalypse.
I've made the (old, tired) joke about my children being hollow before, but that's apparently not accurate. They are mostly oatmeal, 'tis the glue connecting their bones, and more oatmeal must be procured or they shall surely die.
That is, of course, not something I can just DO anymore, and honestly, THEY ATE ALL THAT FRICKING OATMEAL IN WHAT? LIKE A WEEK? That's 32 individual packets! Guys. I cannot afford that kind of baller oatmeal lifestyle right now. I actually think one of you might have a problem.
(Noah. It's Noah. He eats this stuff at breakfast, as an afternoon snack, and sometimes in the middle of the night, judging by the number of random glopped-up bowls I've found in his room.)
So I'm actually asking for help here, O Internet. I have rolled oats. I have multiple kinds of sugar, I have flaxseed, I have sea salt. That's it. That's the entire ingredient list for this crack. That seems stupidly dupe-able.
But oh, do not even MENTION overnight oats, or anything close to it. My children DO NOT like overnight oats, and I will not be fooled or tempted again, PINTEREST, YOU BITCH. They like THIS instant oatmeal and ONLY this instant oatmeal. Ezra and Ike will grudgingly accept some of the other flavors in the variety pack, but only after a fight to the death over the precious, coveted Flax Plus. I can occasionally convince them to make it with milk, but honestly they really just want the magic of Dried Mystery Pouch Contents + 2/3 cup water + 75 seconds in the microwave.
So like...how can I make that? I've looked at recipes (so many, many recipes) but again, I've been burned on this one before.
I don't need anything that looks pretty for photographs or in a goddamn acai bowl. I don't want something that's trying too hard to be healthy and thus totally lies about how much sugar I actually need to add to make this sludge palatable to my children. I know this shit is like, a candy bar with a modest dose of fiber. Just tell me 1) how much of each ingredient to add to my blender, 2) how long to blend it, and 3) how I can portion it out for self-service nuking so I don't have to Do Anymore Things Right Now.
(I've got a six-pack in my Amazon cart anyway, just in case. My nerves are shot and I am already Claire From the Bon Appétit Test Kitchen 20 Minutes Into Gourmet Makes level stressed, CLEARLY.)