May the Fourth Be Boring
Friday Good Things, Obligatory Edition

Badge of Shame

I was finally, at last, officially issued mah gubbermint ID badge yesterday.  And despite the cheery encouragement from the woman who took my photo, the badge features what can only be described as THE WORST PHOTO OF ME EVER TAKEN.

Actually, that's not the only way to describe it. After sending a celebratory selfie to a handful of friends, they responded with the following descriptions of the photo:


oh noooooooo

That does not look like you!

Holy weird 70s hostage lighting

You just look like a Karen

I was gonna say a 1950s Appalachian grandma

I see eye sockets but no eyeballs? Where are your teeth? WHAT IS HAPPENING HERE

Oooof, girl. 

None of them are wrong. I, personally, cannot figure out how I manage to look sort of...melted? And also very swollen? While all my facial features kind of...shrunk? I'm like a puffy, well-fed hostage-ghoul of some kind.

(Less creatively and more bluntly: I look old, and I look fat. Hooray! What a terrific confidence booster to have hanging around my neck every day.)

Anyway, now that I've gone on and on about it, I guess I should just go ahead and post the damn photo, right? It's not like I have any pride or dignity left, right? 


(Yeah, no way. It's THAT BAD.)


Frank Fisher

Lordy That doesn't look like you at all unless, of course, you've been posting someone's elses picture all these years. :-)

Cristin McCloud

My current drivers license picture makes me look like a hag named Large Marge. My mother was even personally offended that someone so hideous could be born from her.


Give John a smooch for me


Oh yeah, been there. I thought I looked like hot shit for my recent ID photo--blew my hair out and everything. I literally look like a hostage. Like someone said "Smile or I'll kill you." Those photos always seem to change the shape of your face, too--like they try to make the photo smaller by smushing it from both sides instead of cropping, you know? Good stuff.

I did have ONE good photo once (with bangs!) and when I got a new one I begged them to let me keep it but they refused.

Anyway, I'm a Fed, and I promise you don't have to wear them around your neck. I have mine in my wallet to get in and out of the building, and then it mostly sits in your laptop all day. Good luck with the new job!

Judy P.

Oh gurl, we've all been there. My first driver's license, everyone said I looked constipated. And my current passport photo actually came out kind of cute, I know, because I have the extras, and the one AAA pasted to my international driver's license. Yet somehow in my passport I look red and blotchy, like I have rosacea AND a bad case of hives.


If it at all makes you feel better, my last driver's license photo was taken about a month into my Bell's Palsy. With no recovery. With the worst rosacea ever...because I was a month postpartum.

And the lady kept telling me to smile and I kept telling her that I had facial paralysis and literally could not. She kept on. So then I started crying.



I hate to post a criticism, but you may want to check on the government policy about posting your government photo id on the internet. I realize it doesn't have any of the print information, but I'd hate for you to get in trouble in case this is not allowed. My company is a government contractor, and I would get fired for posting any part of my ID badge.


I’ve since had the photo redone (hair color changed massively and it seemed like the right thing to do) but my old work ID picture was so ugly my Mom thought it was a picture of my Dad. Now I’ll admit the face genetics on Dad’s side of the family are powerful but getting misgendered is sort of the ultimate in terrible ID photos.

On the other hand, my husband’s passport photo is so good that I used to keep a copy of it on my computer just to look at.


Sorry the pic is so bad. If it makes you feel any better, my spouse works at a government facility and nobody really looks at the photo. Wait...maybe that doesn't make anybody feel any better.

I will say this, though, as a person named Karen in real life I'm really sick of the name "Karen" being thrown around as a dig and insult. I used to really like my name. Well, I still do, I just hate how it's being used these days. Everybody can stop that, thanks.


So firstly, that isn't you - there is no way. They made a mistake and put someone else's face on your ID. It is going to be really weird the day you run into her in the hallway.

Second, the best ID story I ever heard was from my esthetician who told me she went with her husband to get pictures for their health cards (Canada) and when they came in the mail the government put his picture on both of their IDs. It was a huge pain the in ass to get the government to change it.


So firstly, that isn't you - there is no way. They made a mistake and put someone else's face on your ID. It is going to be really weird the day you run into her in the hallway.

Second, the best ID story I ever heard was from my esthetician who told me she went with her husband to get pictures for their health cards (Canada) and when they came in the mail the government put his picture on both of their IDs. It was a huge pain the in ass to get the government to change it.


I think they switched picture with someone else's. Ow vey


OMG can you people not see that she's cropped Chrissy Teigen's photo in? :)


The fact that you all do not recognize Chrissy Teigen is hilarious. (The fact that Amalah subbed her face in for the bad photo--also hilarious. I wish I could sub in models/delightfully calorie-oblivious cookbook authors/married-to-EGOT celebs in for my bad ID photos in real life.)

No one ever really looks at your ID. (My dad, post-9/11, bet my stepmother than he could go all the way through a NY airport without ever even being ASKED for ID - and won. Not one person even asked to see it. Granted, he knows how to exploit white-male-in-a-suit privilege like a kick to the head.) My license looks like I'm sweaty and intoxicated - exactly what you want to hand to someone in authority. Even when they do check it (at the beginning of your job), they will see what you really look like. (This is also the tragedy of freakishly good ID pics - I had one once - but they can see what you really look like then, too.)

Sheri Gagnon

My current Costco membership card makes me look like The Bearded Lady! They’ve told me I can get it redone, but I love it - because it’s hilarious!


My work badge photo is heinous. The woman who took it wouldn’t let me check it before printing it. She said ‘that’s super, you’ll love it’. Which makes me think I must really look like the photo. Maybe it’s akin to hearing your voice on a recording- you, but not you. Except I sound like I’m eight on a recording and look like I’m eighty-eight in the photo, and very unwell, and possibly my grandmother (only less pretty) 🤷🏼‍♀️


We moved at the end of my second pregnancy, and so both my driver's license and Costco car have me at 9 months pregnant... we were trying to get all the things done before baby! I just laugh because, hey, I love that kid.


I look drunk on my current driver’s license photo. I’m stuck with it for the next NINE YEARS unless I want to redo it for the low, low price of $40.


Yup. Government contractor here and mine is bad in a weird way. I must have been in the middle of a blink because one of my eyes is more open than the other. And of course no smiling, which just adds to the weirdness!


My brother and his wife just got Costco membership cards, and they were not allowed to take their masks off for the picture. Plus they're orthodox, so she's also wearing a headscarf. Basically a pair of eyes.


I got my Real ID right after coming back from SF last year during the big fires. I had a sinus infection that marred my judgement about getting on the license thing ASAP. And fatness, That was on me. The first picture was bad, so bad she offered to take it over. The second chance was so much worse. And the 1st was gone. Then I cried. She wouldn't take another cause you only get 2 chances. She should have taken another with me crying because that's what I'd be doing if I ever got pulled over.

Ugh. I hardly ever buy wine now, because my license pic is just soooo bad. I used to get a thrill when the baby clerk would ask my ancient a$$ for my license. Such a thrill! Now it's just dread. Sigh. On the bright side, I rarely ever go out these days!

At least your friends agree it's a bad picture. I don't have to wear mine around my neck all day. So, you win.


That's a picture of Chrissy Tiegan. WTH

Sue W.

Jumping onboard the "yep, you are now Chrissy Tiegan" bandwagon!
I look like a haggard old lady in my new black and white GA drivers license, and I'm stuck with it for 8 years, when I WILL be a haggard old lady! BUT! I'm in the cool north GA mountains after a lifetime of fighting the oppressive 10, 11, 12, 26 months a year heat, so there IS that! No regrets. Wouldn't go back for love nor money and we've been here less than a month.


My husband is in the Navy and I have to use my dependent ID to get on base for the hospital and exchange and whatnot. When I took my younger daughter for her two week checkup, the gate guard noticed that it was expired and while he let me on that day, I'd need my husband to come along with me to the appointment to get a new one. He's a doctor at Walter Reed, so you know, tons of free time to sit around the badge and ID office. He ended up calling me a couple of mornings later when he had free time to say COME RIGHT NOW so I left the girls with my mom who thankfully was still visiting, my breakfast on the table and arrived looking like you do when you have a two week-old and a toddler. I can't wait for that thing to expire.


From a former FDA-er, the best part is that they require you to keep that terrible photo for TEN YEARS! Because taking another digital photo would be a terrible waste of taxpayer expenses?


The amount of people who think that it actually you is making me realize and understand why so many people are posting some crazy conspiracy theory video online. Wow.

PS - I love your husband, Mrs. Legend.

The Cartoonist

Oh that's nothing. Mine makes me look like a serial killer.


One time when I had to show ID, the bouncer, after glancing back and forth between me and my ID, said "Oh! You look much better now!" Thanks.

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