The three worst words in the English language:
"Mom, something happened!"
The code for the Google Meet isn't working. The Zoom call froze. The video isn't loading. I can't hear anyone. No one can hear me. I can't find my headphones. I tried to unmute myself but accidentally hung up instead. I hit submit on my quiz too soon! I wasn't done! It says to search in MackinVIA for "marshes and wetlands" but nothing is coming up. How do I find PebbleGo? Or DreamBox? Or Lexia? Do I click on Modules? Or Assignments? Where's Discussions? It says "Access Denied." The computer says there's no printer connected? The computer says there's no internet? How do you attach a photo? What's an inbox?
Let me see. You probably copy/pasted it wrong. Open a new tab. Hit refresh. Enable audio. Click join with video. Check your volume. Check the basement. Click rejoin. Message your teacher. Let me see. You typed "morshes and wetbands," sweetie. Click this for the text-to-speech thing, wait, hang on, let me see. First go to this site and then click that and then scroll down. It depends on the teacher, which Canvas square is your math teacher again? Let me see. Bring it here. Hit log out and try again. Let me see.
I DON'T KNOW HAVE YOU TRIED UNPLUGGING IT AND PLUGGING IT BACK IN AAAAHHHHEEEEEHHIIIIII.
I wouldn't really call what I'm doing these days "homeschooling" so much as constantly playing on-call tech support.
With a big side of micromanaging, because leaving them too much to their own devices means by Friday a bunch of Big Brother-like emails come in like, "Students are required to spend blah blah number of minutes per week on blah blah and blah. The data shows that YOUR CHILD spent less than 14 seconds per day on blah blah and blah like what are you EVEN DOING OVER THERE."
Noah has two live class check-ins per day, Ike and Ezra only have one per week, but everything alternates between an A Week and B week schedule. Ezra has a weekly Zoom call to support a special needs friend's social skills goals. Ike has multiple extra small group meetings per week and we overslept for three of them already because I'd accidentally added them to the master calendar in June. Their afterschool art class is now virtual with a live weekly "art show" on Thursdays and then there's the music lessons on Zoom and teleheath check-ins on Doxy.me.
I have 10-minute reminders set for everything so my phone is buzzing at me basically every 45 minutes between 8:50 a.m. and 3:40 p.m., so I guess in addition to tech support I'm now the goddamn hallway bell.
It is now past noon and while Noah has been diligently going through today's academic checklist from his ever-deepening Couch Groove, I also keep hearing the telltale laughter of Dicking Around On YouTube instead. Ezra and Ike are in the basement, both deeply engrossed in a Lego building project and even more deeply committed to pretending they cannot hear my repeated calls to Get Upstairs And Get Your Blah Blah Minutes In On Blah Blah and Blah, I Am Not Getting Email Shamed About This Again, Okay?
(Last week I came down on them a little harder to back away from the Legos and get working, and Ike shrieked, "Are you really going to be the type of mom who doesn't want us to build Legos together??" Son, I haven't washed my hair in a week or fed you a proper lunch in a month, I don't even know what type of mom I am anymore.)
In summary and summation, if anyone were to ask me how homeschooling is going my honest answer would be that nobody is day drinking yet, so...pretty good, I guess?