While You Were Sparkling

So I was going to write about Sparklecorn today and how it all went down. Picture nine straight hours of rolling anxiety attacks...several honest-to-God crying jags alongside the ladies of the CheeseburgHer party... the prospect of partying in the equivalent of a flourescent-lit produce aisle at Wal-Mart...begging for decorating help via text, email, Twitter, a bullhorn on Times Square...a cake that got stuck in traffic...missing keys to electrical boxes...getting personally singled out and screamed at by the first irate party guest who walked in the door (because we started late) and crying again because oh my God I'm all sore muscles and exposed nerve endings, stop yelling at me, YOU KNOW THE USUAL. But then I looked at the first batch of photos and all that bullshit up and fell right out of my brain. I can barely remember a minute of it now. You guys are just that pretty, I guess. *** This bullshit, on the other hand: I don't know what this child ate while we were away, but look at him. Standing there, reorganizing the spice rack. On his LEGS. BOY LEGS. With kneecaps and shit, instead of gnocchi-chub-pillows. He's walking everywhere now, officially, picking up more... Read more →

My Winning Formula: Talk Ramble Talkyspeak Unrelated Baby Picture

Man. Did I really only post two times this week? Did I really have that little say about the ENDLESSLY FASCINATING SUBJECT that is myself? Damn, I am losing my narcissistic grip, or something. It's the week before BlogHer (and even more importantly, one week before SPARKLECORN 2012 OH HELL YEAH), and I'm doing my yearly routine of running around like a newly headless chicken trying to get everything done. It's REALLY HARD to get everything done when you have no head, guys. I really don't recommend it. I have so much to do! So many feelings about things that I feel! Like: My Other Job is consuming my life, but in a good way. (And I'm not trying to be all secretive about it, for the record. I mean, find me on LinkedIn and it's all right there. It's more that it would probably bore y'all to tears, unless maybe you're in the IT field and super geeked about Azure and SharePoint development and hybrid cloud scenarios. Not that there's anything wrong with being geeked about those things. Those things are awesome, frankly. Fuck yeah hybrid cloud! Somebody start me a Tumblr!) So it's weird to suddenly ditch all... Read more →

On Getting 611 Comments On The Huffington Post

A few weeks ago, the lovely and talented Lisa Belkin asked if she could republish my "20 Things Nobody Told Me About Little Boys" entry on The Huffington Post. I said sure! And damn! I probably should have spent more than 20 minutes on it. Another 10 minutes and I could have come up with at least 10 more Things Related To Pee, surely. Anyway. I said yes and then promptly forgot all about it. Occasionally I'd remember and go look for it, and eventually assumed it had perhaps appeared briefly and been met with a deafening army of crickets, then promptly pushed back into the morass of the HuffPo archives by the approximately 14 million things that get published there on a daily basis. Not so much. It actually didn't go live until Monday, and Lisa was kind enough to make sure it was treated nicely and highly visible. BOOM! I checked in on my little listicle right after it went live and had a weird reaction of being completely embarrassed, like OMG DON'T LOOK AT IT, NOBODY LOOK AT IT. OR ME. I closed the browser window and basically hid from my own damn blog post all week.... Read more →

Even Dream Jobs Get The Blues

The first thing I did after accepting my first non-mommyblogging-related job in a bajillion years was rush to Target for pens and file folders. The second thing I did was glare at my husband for laughing at me. And my pens and file folders. I did realize I would still be working on a computer, right? With a keyboard? Just like I've been doing for a bajillion years in a happy, paperless worky bubble? I can't really explain it. But if you get me anywhere near anything that remotely resembles Actual Office Work, I am completely seized with the need to scribble things down on Actual Paper. I require Post-Its and notepads and file tabs and a pen to write with and one to chew on. I want to print things out and stare at them and cover them in proofreading marks and bullet points and chicken-scratch notes to myself. I ask myself questions a lot. Category aggregation slider at top? Slideshows? Talking clients? News items round-up SUSTAINABLE? PLAGIARISM?? I stare at these half-formed questions later and am basically like, "Bitch, the hell if I know." Sometimes I answer myself with more scribbles: WHAT ARE YOU EVEN TALKING ABOUT?????? The... Read more →


Aaaaaaaaand...crash. I woke up this morning and felt it: The last of the adrenaline left my body, probably out my ears and through the spaces in between my toes. You know what I'm talking about. I'm so anti-confrontation (what if the Imaginary Authority Figures shush me for being too loud?) that this week's Unfortunate Unpleasantess kept me amped and on edge for several days and nights, until: BAM. WHOOSH. On the plus side, I am no longer stomping around my house, composing endless emails and blog entries in my head or engaging in imaginary arguments with the walls. (Fuck you, walls! Being beige is not an excuse!) I also lost five pounds, somehow. But on the other side, turns out the comedown is a bit of bitch. It's like a conflict hangover that sucks the fluff out of you. Oh, lawndiapers, I know just how you feel. Also writing kind of not so much with the goodness. Or something. That like. Which means...pictures! Again! More! Oh, whatever. SOMEBODY has learned how to play the "SOOOOOO BIG" game. He's really proud of me. I'm only 34, after all. Now, here's where I get obnoxious (YOU: OH SO JUST RIGHT NOW, THEN?),... Read more →

To Whom It May Concern

Or, Hey Girl, I Heard You Were Blogging My Blogs On Your Blog, And Then Again On A Blog That Paid You To Blog, But You Were Blogging My Blogs And Not Your Blogs, In Other Words Stealing Stuff I Wrote Which I Am Pretty Sure Is Not Cool, Girl Or, Choice Excerpts From The Most Fun Email I Have Ever Had The Honor Of Writing Dear You, Well. It's unfortunate that we had to be introduced under these circumstances. Before I go any further, allow me to tell you a little about myself. I think some of this may be relevant in a bit. Like you, I married very young -- I was 20 years old at my wedding. Couldn't even drink the champagne! I put myself through college a course or two at a time, while working full-time, until I finally got my degree when I was 27 years old. I started my blog in 2003, when I was 26. I was hired as a columnist for AlphaMom -- my first "real" professional writing gig, when I was 28, right after having my first baby. Holy crap, was that ever a dream come true. Like you, I have... Read more →

This Is Some Award-Losing Nonsense, Right Here

In honor of my shiny new super-organized (for now, but check back in 30 seconds) office, I present an entry without any topic at all. But disorganized, stream-of-consciousness writing is a valid art form as long as you do it while sitting in a chair, at a desk. FACT. Are you sitting at a desk? I have just legitimized everything you do today. You are a serious professional and nothing will change that. Go on, drip yogurt on yourself. You've earned it. Apologies to the non-desk sitters in the audience. I was you! All the way up until yesterday! And while I will never forget my roots, I have already forgotten where I was going with this sentence. I'M AT A DESK! To the next topic! Hurry! 1) MY HAIR & ASSORTED AW SHUCKSING Thank you to everybody who complimented my hair yesterday! In the old days, people used to have to write their own daily affirmations on their mirrors in lipstick. Now we can just post flatteringly-blurry photos of ourselves online. What a glorious time to be alive. I will add the caveat that those cell-phone-mirror-reflection shots completely hide the unfortunate Chia Bangs, which yes, are still there and... Read more →

All Blogs Are Hideous At Age Eight. It's Quite Normal.

Oh my God, you guys, this blog is eight years old today. Eight years, I have been blabbering on about whatever it is I blabber on about. No wonder I'm running about of things to say. Can't I just tell the volcano story again? Or the oven fire or the bird or Newark and also luggage cart? Could I perhaps start a business selling ready-made birth stories for today's busy modern momblogger who is too busy writing sponsored product reviews to deal with the whole messy, overwrought emo side of the business? Eight years. I was in my 20s, in the city, in an office, in heels. I am currently in none of those things. Now it is: 30s, suburbs, work-from-home-bed-nest, bedroom slippers. (Though I still own all the heels. I'm just more apt to whine about them when I wear them.) There's also that whole THREE BOY CHILDREN plot twist that happened along the way. The me of eight years ago would NEVER have seen that coming, and probably would have been a tad horrified at the prospect, which makes me want to point and laugh at her, because man, that uppity bitch totally had this coming. At the... Read more →

Voices Babbling

So you know what I decided I needed? I needed another blog. Or maybe it was a hole in the head. From which even MORE of my every vapid, passing thought could flow more freely out of. Anyway, I done got my arm twisted into blogging about...oh my God, you guys, I have NO IDEA WHAT I'M GOING TO BLOG ABOUT. I was actually sold on the idea of these salon-style conversational things we'll be doing with all the Babble bloggers, but we aren't actually doing those yet, so in the meantime I have nothing to talk about. So I'm getting all kinds of weirdly meta over there about blogging and IT'S WEIRD, Y'ALL. Also kind of cricket-y. But! Samantha Bee! And Dino Dan's Mom, whose presence has officially (though surely temporarily) made me the absolute coolest, in Noah's opinion. But yeah. If anybody has any topic ideas they want to throw into consideration, go right ahead. I clearly don't know what the hell I'm doing over there yet. (Just don't say cloth diapers, because I KNOW I KNOW I'M WORKING ON IT, and don't say anything about baby food or kid food or gardening, because I have another plan... Read more →

All Is Love (And Really Freaking Attractive Conference Attendees)

Okay, this is my last post about BlogHer*, I promise. After this, it's back to baby pictures and...um...kid pictures and...I don't know. Deodorants or whatever the hell. Plus, I'll make this short, because this video pretty much says it all, and says it better: Thanks so much to Ryan of Pacing the Panic Room for -- once again! -- putting together the perfect video of Sparklecorn (AKA The Party That Led Me Briefly Into a Life of Crime & Grand Theft Luggage Cart). And for making the part where I climbed on the table to take bites directly out of the butts of the unicorn cake seem a little less trashy than I think it actually probably was. And thanks to everyone who came to the party and danced and laughed and smiled and wore your sparkliest. I hope you had fun. Me? I danced my ass off and my hair flat. I can't wait for next year. WATCH YOUR BACK, LUGGAGE CARTS OF NEW YORK CITY. THE SPARKLECORN COMETH AND IT KNOWS TO DOUBLE-CHECK THAT IT'S NOT IN NEW JERSEY THIS TIME. *Unless y'all are interested in hearing about my misadventures of traveling across the country as a nursing... Read more →