*peeks head around door* *eyes room nervously* *steps inside* Is it...is it safe? Is everyone...healthy? Can I sit down and relax for a minute without...you know...having to talk about the vomit and the vomiting and the vomiting on top of various surfaces up to and including my own neck? Can I at last possibly maybe change the frigging subject already? The coast looks clear. For now. Hurry! WE NEED TO TALK ABOUT MY HAIR. The last time I yammered on about the topic, you may remember, I was going through what I affectionately and accurately described as my Chia Pet period. I was pregnant with Ike and my head had decided to grow a new pelt of wispy stick-out-y hair all over the place. I even illustrated the situation for you. The problem miraculously solved itself at some point, right when I stopped paying attention. I'm not sure what happened: Either the short bonus hairs all fell out later in the second trimester, or they grew super-fast and started laying flat and blending in, more or less. By the third trimester, my hair once again achieved its typical pregnancy-induced awesomeness. Indeed, on the day Ike was born, I was sporting... Read more →

The third trimester of this pregnancy has not been a particularly easy one, and up until...oh, the last 36 hours or so I was perfectly content to chalk most of the unpleasantness up to stress. Everything DID start going downhill right around the time my dad died, what with the false labor and mysterious aches and pains and the throwing up and the weight loss and then a delightful little interlude of "pre-bedrest" and "pre-pneumonia" and "pre-let's-not-panic-here-but-seriously-you-need-to-stop-getting-sick-and-put-some-weight-on." Then, over the weekend, my hands and feet started itching. And suddenly -- well, "suddenly" after HOURS of unrelenting itching and twitching and scratching and an entire bottle of moisturizer and -- a lot of things started to make sense. Stress? Yeah, sure, some of it. But also, gallbladder. I don't know how long things haven't been quite right in that department. I managed to develop a bunch of the other symptoms of cholestasis of pregnancy (the ones that could also be symptoms of like, 400 other things) before the most common, telltale one, bizarrely enough. But it's not like I'm doubled-over in Upper Right Quadrant Pain or jaundiced or anything. I'm just...pukey and itchy. And...sensitive-like in the Upper Right Quandrant Area. And... Read more →

I would like to officially and formally take issue with my own damn post title here -- technically, according to the LMP math, today should be my due date. Early ultrasounds bumped me back a week, only for the later scans to once again suggest that I was actually farther along than we thought and jibed with the May 30th hypothesis. But we officially stuck with the original U/S dating and a June 4th due date and I didn't really care all that much at the time but for the record I SUDDENLY CARE AN AWFUL LOT ALL OF A SUDDEN. (I do not care, however, about making sure I've remembered to put on a bra before taking photos of myself anymore.) (Or about looking anything other than really bizarrely kind of mean.) Anyway, it's a holiday and I'm not going to waste any of y'all's time with stories from my weekend, EVEN THOUGH it included the thrilling additions of my husband becoming temporarily, thoroushly crippled from a cortisone injection in his back on Friday and Ezra puking down my shirt on Saturday and I stress-organized the playroom, like down to making sure that different action figures were sorted into... Read more →

Seriously, baby. THERE IS NOTHING MORE I CAN DO FOR YOU. There's a freaking custom-made butterfly mobile here, for crying out loud. And wall decals. That I will apply more of, so help me God, out of sheer boredom. Your call. And if you think perfectly-color-and-damask-pattern-coordinated hoot owl toys just HAPPEN, well, they don't. This is nesting OCD driven to the breaking point, baby. That's you, through the ages. We're very excited at the prospect of adding some less-blobby-looking portraits to the gallery. I have every kind of cloth diaper and cloth diaper accessory imaginable . And about four dozen swaddling blankets for you to poop on and/or reject outright. Slings? Wraps? Pouches? Mei teis? Ergo and Ergo accessories? YOU KNOW IT, HIPPIE. *BITES KNUCKLES* So you can see, Fetus I Have Nicknamed IKEA, Even Though The Only Things In Your Room That Came From IKEA Are Some Storage Baskets, Hangers And One Throw Pillow, we are ready for you. We have everything your little body could possibly need, and I am literally itching with anticipation at the thought of getting my hands on your little body already to dress and diaper and swaddle and rock and wait a second... Read more →

NO BABY YET. For the record, I promise -- pinkie swearsie promise -- that updating my blog or Twitstream or whatever will indeed be among the very first things I'll do, should anything interesting happen re: my womb. In the meantime, you can safely assume that radio silence just means I am sleeping. Or, in the case of the last 24 hours, that I was alternating between sleeping and running around like a crazy person trying to take care of things related to my two pesky existing children. Oh, and puking. Because why not? It's the third fucking trimester, let's get all NOSTALGIC for the first 12 weeks for no particular reason. Yesterday was absolutely ACTION PACKED, I tell you. First up: an OB appointment, just to determine how incredibly NOT in labor I currently am, or will be in the foreseeable future. Thanks, cervix, you lazy good-for-nothing piece of... Ahem! Right after that, I had to waddle my way over to Noah's school to meet with the school psychologist. We had his most recent evaluation conducted privately, through our insurance, and apparently the act of handing over the results to the school district triggered some kind of MASSIVE PROCEDURAL... Read more →

I climbed into bed late last night. My nerves were on edge, my brain refused to stop inventorying and obsessing over the pre-baby to-do list, all the things that I MUST do, SHOULD do, WOULD LIKE to do, and was that a contraction or is the baby just stretching and jamming limbs into tender organs? I put my hands on my belly and tried to will the sensation to memory, because this is it. The last time. The last few days. Oh, but I'm so tired and sore and done. And yet not ready. Not enough time. One week to go. Short and endless and terrible. Eight weeks since he died. Like it was yesterday and forever ago, and also terrible. "He just wanted to hold that baby!" my mom wailed, out of the blue, the last time we talked. She's still prone to bursting into tears at random moments in conversation, and no topic seems to be free of unexpected emotional mines for her. I don't know what else to say except to murmer "I know, I know." I said the same two words to him, eight weeks ago, over and over again. Shorthand for I know you want... Read more →

THINGS I DID THIS WEEKEND: 1) Got a pedicure, had total Blush-and-Bashful moment when the bright, funky royal blue color I chose in honor of Baby Boy Number Three dried way too dark and now looks all black and goth-y. I don't really pull off "goth-y" too well, even when I'm NOT wearing giant maternity caftans with extraneous underboob ties and ribbons. Then again, I seriously just tried to describe blue toenail polish as "funky." I AM HOPELESS. 2) Saw Bridesmaids, had moment of brilliant inspiration during a scene that (SPOILER) featured someone vomiting on someone else's head that, wow, this would be the BEST TIMING EVER for my water to break all over the place. In fact, the crowd would probably have thought it was an interactive part of the show and given me a standing ovation. 3) Went to IKEA in search of a medicine cabinet and a second diaper pail. Argued with universe that fine, I'm not mad you didn't take my going-into-labor-during-Bridesmaids suggestion, because I actually think IKEA is EVEN BETTER and MORE POETIC-LIKE. So come on! Come onnnnnnnnn. 3a) Also had conversation with another mom in IKEA who tried to offer me some first-timer advice... Read more →

(SPOILER ALERT: No baby yet.) You know, I've been making fun of my husband a lot around here. And honestly, he probably only deserves...eh, let's say about a third of it. (THE SWING. THE SWINNNNNNGGGGGG.) The rest is a combination of good-natured ribbing and the natural reaction to seeing your partner up and relatively spry and able to function like a normal human being while you loll around on the couch, grunting like a beached whale, wishing you had the ability to whip other people into a nesting-like frenzy using only the power of your MIND, like, seriously? Would it kill you to install the car seat already? I know you SAY it can wait until the baby is born and you'll do it on the way to pick us up at the hospital but I WOULD FEEL BETTER IF I COULD SEE IT DONE AHEAD OF TIME SO THAT I MAY FUSS AT AND CRITICIZE YOUR ABILITIES IN THE PRIVACY OF OUR OWN DRIVEWAY. But really, Jason has been so, so great. Flowers for no reason. A constantly replenished stash of my favorite bath thingies from Lush. Back rubs and belly kisses and moving heaven and earth to make... Read more →

There is no baby yet. Self-portrait as Walking Fetus Jail, From Which There Is No Escape, Also No Real Flattering Angle, My LANDS. PS. No, Jason still hasn't looked in the attic for the missing swing part. PPS. But he did make me a batch of fudge brownies (from scratch!) and let me eat pretty much all of them. PPPS. Then he encouraged me to take a nice long bubble bath and even lit some candles. PPPPS. Then he was all, "Sex can totally start labor, riiiiiight?" PPPPPS. No. PPPPPPS. OBVIOUSLY. Read more →

Obligatory: No baby yet. I am not in labor NOR I am in anything even approaching what could be considered a good mood. I slept like crap last night because I'm just so all-around lumpy and uncomfortable AND THEN I had a dream that I was trapped on an MTV spinoff/prequel show called Jersey Shore Babies and was responsible for changing an infant Snooki's diaper AND THEN I woke up with a terrible headache -- like a why is there not someone I can hold personally accountable for this amount of pain and thus murder with my bony bare hands style headache. Then I ate some toast and got heartburn from the toast and promptly threw up all the toast and what the HELL, man. IT WAS ONLY SOME TOAST. So...probably good (for Jason's sake? as the accountable party in this instance?) that this morning's routine OB appointment revealed absolutely no indication that this baby feels like exiting any time soon. Cervix is closed, baby is happy and continuing to leech an alarming amount of body fat directly off my frame as his weight/size goes up and mine goes down and no one really knows why but it's not a... Read more →