Ultimate Master List, Board Book Edition

POWER RANKED IN ORDER OF WHICH BOOKS HAVE BEEN LITERALLY LOVED TO PIECES AND/OR EATEN (BECAUSE LOVE) (ALSO TEETHING) We have QUITE the library of children's books in our house. I'd call them children's literature but...I dunno. Some of our books are really dumb and make me kind of stabby. (Has anyone read The Little Engine That Could lately? Do you remember it being so long? Because it's soooo looooonnng. It's like 20 solid minutes of crying toys, mean trains, laments about the good little girls and boys in the valley not having any milk or fruit or toys [which are STILL CRYING], heavy-handed symbolism for Get The Fuck Over Yourself And Help The Goddamn Train Already, with a bonus clown who kind of looks like the great-grand-uncle of Pennywise.) (Our copy got mysteriously lost during the great move-that-didn't-happen house purge. AND I'M NOT EVEN A LITTLE BIT SORRY.) The above photo is but a small representative sample of our book collection, but I believe runs an acceptable gamut of board books that your baby/toddler will love, to those he/she will tolerate, to those that no baby or toddler ever gave two shits about but no matter, you will somehow... Read more →

Dinner in Real Life

READERS BEWARE: There' s a ridiculous amount of boring dinner/cooking-type talk ahead. Also an inordinate number of parentheticals, even for me. I tried to make it funny. I tried and I probably failed. In other words, hold onto your butts, and may God have mercy on your souls. I have to admit I really enjoy rappin' with y'all about the cooking topic — trying to keep a family happy while not losing your mind with boredom over making the same damn recipe over and over and over again, and also trying to expand kids' culinary horizons without a full-on uprising at the dinner table. I've had a modest string of successes over the past couple weeks, happily enough. (Interspersed with nights when I was like, fuck it, here's mac-and-cheese and fishsticks; Jason, just pick up some sushi on your way home, okay?) (Last night was one of those nights. Ezra asked to try some tuna sashimi. I was very impressed until he spat it out half-chewed in disgust because DAMN, THAT WAS MY TUNA SASHIMI.) (Oh, and I also completely borked up something previously tried-and-true: Smitten Kitchen's most excellent chana masala. I overdid the cayenne and had the bright idea... Read more →


This is just a little something I recently learned that I'd like to pass along, both on the off-chance that someone might find it useful but also because OMFHeavenlyG. Children! Can get Athlete's Foot...on their scalps. A fungal infection called tinea capitis. A type of ringworm that is not really a worm, but more like Jock Itch of the Head. You will know your child has contracted Jock Itch of the Head because of ALL THE BALD SPOTS. BALD SPOTS FROM WHERE THEIR HAIR DONE FALLS OUT IN GIANT FLAKEY CHUNKS. (Go on. Soak it in. Let the image wash over you. Mmmm. Yes. My pain is now yours, young padawan.) In summary, children are vile petri dishes of God-knows-what and you should probably just wrap them up in yellow caution tape at all times and spray them with Lysol from afar. Also, just smear a little Lotrimin on their scalp a couple times a day and switch to Nizoral for awhile. Should clear it right up. Supposedly. Apparently. I DON'T KNOW I JUST HEARD THAT FROM A GUY. Read more →

Noah's Oil

This post is sponsored by the Honest Company. Have we talked about Noah's weird skin? I feel like we haven't talked about Noah's weird skin. Okay, "weird" probably isn't the right or nicest word — the cosmetics industry would probably just prefer I label it as "sensitive" but I think that undersells the full scope of crazy-making issues we've faced with Noah's skin. Up until he started preschool, he'd regularly get eczema every winter. But it didn't bother him at all. I never once saw that child scratch or rub at the CLEARLY horribly dry, angry raised patches that would appear and scatter all over his arms and legs. I've always guessed that his SPD had something to do with it — he was really underresponsive to temperature, so many he just didn't feel...itchy sensations, either? I don't know. I do know that at some point, his body suddenly switched on and decided to START PAYING ATTENTION TO THINGS. TO ALL OF THE THINGS. And while it's really nice to have a child who can tell you that you've accidentally turned his bath to boiling and who no longer steps off the bus wearing his winter coat even though the... Read more →

Ultimate Master Baby Crib Check List

WHEN THEY ARE NEWBORNS 1) Crib mattress 2) Persistent feeling of guilt for buying the $40 crib mattress instead of the top-of-the-line $500 organic ulta duo core certified allergen-free ECOGREENFOAM™ crib mattress with internal SIDS alert and solid platinum stitching. 3) Waterproof pad 4) Tight-fitting, organic cotton crib sheet 5) Tight-fitting, organic cotton swaddling blanket 6) No toys 7) No loose blankets 8) LOTS OF VERY LOUD & CONTRADICTORY OPINIONS ABOUT CRIB BUMPERS 9) Baby monitor with motion sensor mat, high-definition video and ambient temperature display 10) Baby who totally won't sleep in the crib anyway, not even for five minutes, hooray! WHEN THEY ARE TODDLERS: 1) Yup. Read more →

The Most Weirdly-Specific Mother's Day Gift Guide on Earth

For the Mom Who Likes Zombies The Walking Dead Compendium One and Compendium Two Zombie Brains friendship necklace Zombie Love Portrait Plate Zombies, Run! running training app For the Mom Who Is a Drunk Corkcicle Wine Chiller Wine-dyed napkins Mustache Drink Markers Danger Zone! Wine Different wine Another variety of wine For the Mom Who Maybe Needs to Chill With the Instagram Casetagram Stitchtagram Printstagram For the Mom Who Trips & Injures Herself a Lot Foldable ballet flats LUSH Volcano Foot Mask LUSH Fair Trade Foot Lotion Advil Ice packs For the Mom Who Is Obsessed With Food SodaStream Home Soda Maker Mastering the Art of French Cooking (2 Volume Set) All the Good Eats volumes by Alton Brown Silicone prep bowls At least one good-sized Le Creuset dutch oven , unless you love her a lot, in which case you should buy her more than one size Vintage Pyrex Self-watering EarthBox kit Groove Resin iPad Stand Magnetic spice rack A super-cute apron For the Mom-to-Be Who Is Nesting Like a Motherfucker Closet organizers Custom butterfly mobile Nerdy baby nursery decor Maternity/delivery/nursing kaftans Stupid-snob-fancy boxed chocolates and a package of like, Slim-Jims For the Mom Who Has Not Given Up... Read more →

Adventures in Cloth Diapering, Part Whatever: 18 (FREAKING) Months Later

COMPULSIVELY WORDY & SLIGHTLY NEUROTIC DISCLAIMER: A lot of people have asked for another cloth diapering post. And I really do mean "a lot." And hardly any of them were sockpuppets or the voices in my head. (Who, incidentally, sound just like Cookie Monster and Tom Hanks narrating a war documentary.) But I kept not writing another cloth diapering post because I ALSO know that a lot of you could not be more bored by the cloth diapering posts. Bored! Boring boredom streaming out of your eye sockets! LINDSAY FEELS YOU, BRO. Anyway. Guess what! This is a post about cloth diapers. The bored portion of the class is hereby dismissed for the rest of the day. Go sneak smokes by the monkey bars or throw vodka bottles at each other for awhile. YOU KNOW, LIKE THE GLAMOUROUS PEOPLE. The rest of you, well...let's talk hippie butt rags. (Note: Amazon Affiliate links ahoy! I have no affiliation to any of the other sites/shops mentioned/linked, however; they're just the places where I like to be shoppin',) So when we last chatted in excruciating detail, Ike was still a very small, slightly chicken-legged baby. We were using a combination of newborn-sized prefolds... Read more →

A Million Tiny Onesies

Okay, so this is random and possibly a little creepy, but are any local readers out there currently expecting a baby boy? Because... I have somehow mysteriously managed to acquire a metric buttload of baby boy clothing over the years. The plan was to pass most of it along to a friend of mine who was pregnant, but she had a girl. Then another friend got pregnant but SHE'S having a girl. Everybody everywhere, with the girls. I guess it's because I HOGGED ALL THE BOYS. THE UNIVERSE IS TAPPED OUT OF PENISES. Sorry, ladies. (Okay, that's kind of a lie. I did have one friend who had a boy last winter. And I was all, "I SHALL GIVE YOU ALL THE CLOTHES!" But that was before everything was sorted and boxed up all neatly-like and it turned out I was way, WAY too disorganized to make that promise.) (And also emotionally unprepared, as I got predictably sentimental and hoard-y about the newborn clothing. The pile of "special" and "meaningful" outfits kept growing and growing, as I suddenly couldn't bear the thought of parting with a single itty-bitty Circo-brand onesie or factory-outlet footie sleeper. I feel more ready now. Kind... Read more →


Previously: The Ultimate Master List Of Every Baby-Related Thing I Like & Recommend Except For All The Things I Probably Forgot To Mention So. I hate to break it to you, but it turns out there's a hell of a lot more to parenthood than onesies and strollers and debates over whether the right crib mobile can increase your child's chances at getting into Harvard. And while you might think you can add a first-aid kit and some Infant's Tylenol on your registry and call it a day, the fact is that your child, one day, is going to get sick. Disgustingly, relentlessly sick. We've gotten caught woefully unprepared plenty of times -- it happens. We've reached for the Motrin only to discover it expired in 2007. We've cursed at empty post-Tylenol-recall shelves at the drugstore because NOW WHAT. We've stood around Googling rashes and cough sounds in the middle of the night. We've paced the hallways and stared helplessly at the ceiling while our baby wailed because there was just nothing we could do except wait until whatever was wrong with him was over. You probably will do all that too. And everything will still turn out just fine.... Read more →

Oh No Oh God Not More Cloth Diaper Talk Stop

I had a brief flash of menstrual-cycle panic this week, while Jason was away. I found myself sitting in the nursery, happily contemplating the various ways I could organize the contents of my brand-new changing table, while eating black olives out of the can. Good news! I am not pregnant in the slightest, but do seem to have retained a few of my weirder pregnancy habits and compulsions. BEHOLD I know what you're thinking: Who in their right mind buys a new changing table when her third baby is already six months old? Well, duh. Obviously I make no claims about being in my right mind, but whatever. In addition to the ruined-by-way-of-wipes-warmer surface on the old table, the crappy particle-board back had completely fallen off, a door hinge was busted and wouldn't close and finally one of the drawer guides snapped off and broke in two, and also I kind of own too many freaking diapers at this point OH RIGHT THAT. Consider this my cautionary tale to anyone trying to justify spending a small fortune on nursery furniture because you know it will totes grow with your child and they'll use it their whole lives and take the... Read more →