Remember the orthopedic bed Jake needed? The bed y'all so nicely bought for him? He completely destroyed it, the ungrateful jerkwad. He also destroyed two doorframes and ripped the carpet off the basement stairs. (Someone please adopt this wonderful charming amazing creature I beg of you.) His heartworm treatment dictates that he MUST stay calm and not exert himself in any way (because otherwise the dead worms will break into pieces and you know what you can just Google why if you want), so we have to keep him isolated from all the other wild and crazy animals a lot of the time since they whip each other into a crazy pack frenzy.* But Jake haaaaaates being crated, so for a little while we let him just lounge around in the basement, and everything was fine. But at some point he lost interest in the plethora of toys and chews and Kongs we leave for him, and started going full destructor mode on stuff like, books! Pillows! Paper! Anything he can pull out of the trash can! THE VERY WALLS AND FLOORS AROUND HIM. So fine, back into the crate he went, along with designated toys and blankets he's welcome... Read more →

It's been a long week. Yesterday I took 40 photos of my cats having a turf war over a cardboard box, but none of them turned out as amusing as watching the actual thing unfold, which was still, like, only barely. But I have determined for certain that Rey is incapable of meowing like a normal, non-dented cat. She follows me around meep-morping like a very high-pitched robot who has a lot of questions about the nature of her existence. "Blorrrrp? Mrrrreee? Yeeeep?" I am in a box. Take me to your leader. She shrieks every time she gets picked up, even when she's come over and given you every indication that yes, she would like to be picked up. "Purrrrrr? Pllllluuuuurrrr?" she hums as she rubs against your legs, but the second her paws leave the ground she lets out a surprised and slightly-panicked sounding squawk. "BRRRRRMMEEEEEEEEEPP!!!!!" Nice upper thigh reflection, self. Sounds that startle all the other pets and send them scattering -- the vacuum, the coffee grinder, etc. -- elicit almost no reaction from her. (She definitely hears them, but simply turns her head curiously in their direction, like ah, yes, another transmission from my home planet.)... Read more →

So we have some news. We made an offer on a house yesterday morning. (A yellow one, obviously.) It was a lowball offer, but I wrote the sellers a letter, which apparently made a huge difference. (Go meeeeeee!) They countered, we accepted, we close on August 21. (And now you know where we're moving, if you can make it out through all the screaming.) (And yeah, my child is in his underwear because he doesn't have any clean pajamas. Because his parents haven't done a single blessed load of laundry in weeks. That was probably the last time I bothered to makeup on, too. What of it? We found us a house, bitches!) Read more →

Not quite a contender for Song of the Summer, but you gotta admit I've got a pretty impressive soundtrack going on around here. 41 Seconds of Summer​ from amalah on Vimeo. (All day. Every day. Help meeeeeeeee.) Read more →

So a small handful of people expressed concerns (or rather hopes, dreams) that this blog was the source of the Stress That Is Eating Amy's Skin Alive, and that I was perhaps vagueblogging about its imminent demise/shutdown. To which I say: Sorry, Internet. You're still not getting rid of this ol' dinosaur just yet. I mean, honestly, you guys are pretty great. You are funny and kind and also I SUPER APPRECIATE how understanding and engaged you've been with the recent uptick in sponsored posts. (Which wasn't exactly planned for, and I doubt will continue much longer; it's more a result of typical feast/famine on that sort of thing.) I will continue to post here as much as a can and to also do my best to make the sponsored stuff as amusing as possible, or at least seem like something I would write about regardless. (Speaking of: Attention winemakers of the world. I have upcoming sponsored posting spots available on my editorial calendar. Please to send me some alcohol.) (Ha ha ha "editorial calendar." Like this shitshow is that organized.) If anything, I still want to follow-through on that whole "posting/writing more" thing, even without the ads/sponsorships/whatever. Those sure... Read more →

We stayed home on New Year's Eve. Grilled up some steaks, made some baller sweet potatoes, sent the kids to bed at the usual hour, settled down on the couch to watch a movie, be exceedingly boring, etc. After blowing through enough wine and cocktails to bring down an elephant on a metal band's tour bus, we decided to switch to bubbly for the big countdown moment. Jason opted to amp the excitement up even further with a champagne-bottle sabering demonstration. It was very important to him that I record this moment. (Language NSFW. We talk like I write! HAPPY 2015 MOTHERFUCKERS!) Read more →

So...I guess it's time to rethink our stroller strategy? About five minutes after this, we lost Ezra. Ten minutes after that, we found him. On a completely different floor of the store. Inside of a tent. 15 minutes after that they still somehow managed to get us and our money into the Lego Store because oh yeah totally sure everybody needs more Legos Jesus Interlocking Christ. On second thought, maybe I'll just do the rest of the back-to-school shopping online. Read more →

Well, it happened. He's three now. I don't think he can quite believe it either. It is kind of a lot to handle. We never figured out what "pirate treasure" was, but in between the day in the backyard with family and friends, the bubble machine , water table , endless watermelon slices, barbecue chicken and corn on the cob and rolls (ROLLS!) and a ton of superhero and dinosaur-related gifts, he never asked about it. He did ask for his birthday A LOT, however, from the moment he woke up until this moment right here. Where's my birthday? I want my birthday. "My birthday" = a cupcake. Naturally. He skipped his nap. He spent all day outside, running, jumping, shooting water guns, chasing bubbles, hitting whiffle balls, and trying to climb his first tree. I'm just surprised he managed to stay awake and not faceplant right into his birthday. But no, he powered through pretty admirably. He liked his birthday a lot, he said. I did too. I liked this whole year a lot, actually. Still-and-Always Baby Ike, you're a wonderfully awesome, great big kid. Ike's third year from amalah on Vimeo. Music: When Can I See You Again,... Read more →

Over and over and over and over again. And maybe not so much of a "party" as individual kids dancing by themselves, like nobody's watching...except for the camera they ordered me to record them with. (You know I love them more than anything but MY GOD, I just might have the whitest children ever.) Read more →

This one, for some reason. This one is getting me. How is he five? How is he so great, so lovely, so fragile, gentle and small and yet bursting with a personality that's easily 10 times his size? This one, I have no words for. Except for these: I love you. We love you. We're so lucky to have you. Happy birthday, funny boy. (Music: One Foot Boy by Mika) Read more →