Hey! Kids! The Wednesday Advice Smackdown is up over yonder at Alpha Mom. The Alpha Child, seen here being raised in captivity. And there's actual original content that will probably include a lot of bad words coming to this very site later today.* *No warranty is implied by use of the word "today." Today is void where prohibited and your mileage may vary. The author of this site takes a very subjective view on the definition of "today," because to hold the word "today" to some kind of set block of hours would be attempting to define time itself. It would also be incredibly insensitive to our overseas audience if we were to automatically assume "today" fell into a North American time zone. And it would not take into consideration the unpredictable sleep habits of the average eight-month-old human or the fact that the author of this site is a lazy, lazy bitch. Read more →

Live! And in person! (Also, Snarkywood is back from the near-dead, featuring the bleeding eye sockets of Chloe Sevigny, appropriately enough.) Read more →

Reason #47549234 Why IKEA Is Out To Destroy Me: This morning, as I went to retrieve my keys from our adorable PAVO cabinet (I painted it purple! I am so craftsy!), the little dowel-like knob thing went flying through the air and landed in places unknown. After crawling around on the floor for some time, cursing IKEA and dust bunnies and this job that makes me leaving the fucking house in the first place, like do they not understand what a damn challenge that is, I gave up and attempted to open the key cabinet without the knob. MOTHER OF GOD, IT WOULD NOT OPEN. IT WOULD NOT SURRENDER MY KEYS. I used my fingers, a pen and a fork in an attempt to jar the stupid thing open, while thinking that hey! What I could really use to open this thing would be a nice, pointy key! Fuck you! I finally yanked the whole cabinet off the wall and shook it violently until my keys came unhooked and blew the door open from the inside. My keys are Jack Bauer, apparently. Then I collected my keys, baby and bag (more on THAT later, grr) and stepped outside, only to... Read more →

To anyone who witnessed my late-night freak-out in yesterday's comments section: Noah does not have the chicken pox. He has a little cold (goddangdingdamndaycare) and a poorly-timed, yet ultimately unrelated rash. He is also teething, and this angers him greatly, so he screamed for SIX HOURS last night, well past my bedtime, so I got a little bleary-eyed and paranoid and turned a couple little red bumps on his elbow into OH MY GOD, A POX IS ON THEE. And me, since as I've mentioned before, I never had the chicken pox and learned when I was pregnant that the vaccine I got seven years ago has worn off completely. And I can't get re-vaccinated until I completely quit with this delusional breastfeeding thing I do. So...stay away from kids! Kids with rashes! Anyway, I was wrong and insane, just like I asked you to pray for. Not that there should have been much of a doubt about my insanity. To wit: I can't get up! But I can poop the minute you zip this thing up, so there. Aw. I'm fairly mean. ANYWAY. LET'S DO A SMACKDOWN. FEATURED THIS WEEK, QUESTIONS I RECEIVED BACK IN JULY. JUUUULLLLYYYY. What are... Read more →

Dear Internet. Re: the whole Cease & Desist thing. We're done. Over it. Move on. Now go eat a damn sandwich. Love, The Foodarazzi Anyway, how's about an Advice Smackdown? Remember those? Weren't they sort of amusing once, a long long time ago? (Be honest: Do y'all really like the Smackdown? Are you just sending in all these questions to humor me? Would you be sad if it went away or is the whole thing just cutting into your baby picture crack habit?) (By the way, the Noah photo essays are, apparently, a "trainwreck." The Internet is so nice! And so full of people with very rich and rewarding hobbies.) (Yeah, I took the link down because I think they just orgasmed all over themselves with glee and ego over the little flurry of traffic they got, so they went apeshit with the personal attacks on me and my "e-cock" or whatever. I...don't really get what I ever did to these people, so I'm just going to back away from the whole thing verrry slowly. Wow.) Anyway, use the comments section to vote for either 1) Save Our Smackdown, or 2) Kill It Dead Please, for the Love of Bacon.... Read more →

Hey Amalah, So how is that two-month-old Amazon baby of yours scaring the shit out of you today? Also, get a haircut. GOD. Love, Amalah Y'all! The child ROLLED THE FUCK OVER. WHEN I WAS NOT PRESENT, BECAUSE I AM NEGLECTFUL AND NEED MY COFFEE. So Noah and I were hanging out in bed, watching The Price Is Right, which he loves, and I refuse to feel badly about that, because I make it educational, what with the prices and the capitalism, and we do this great little COME ON DOWN dance and ANYWAY, I AM NOT THE ONE ON TRIAL HERE. So there was a commercial break, and I realized that I hadn't put kibble down for Ceiba yet, the poor downgraded baby, and also that I would like some coffee. So I left Noah squarely in the center of the bed and dashed downstairs to feed the dog and make a 30-second cup of pod coffee. And lo, in that timeframe, the genius child had rolled over onto his tummy and was working VERY HARD on flipping back over again. Am doomed. Doomed! Anyway, let's take some of your questions before Noah learns to type and takes over... Read more →

Oh Internet, I was so looking forward to the first Non-Sleep-Deprived Advice Smackdown today, as our sleeping-through-the-night streak was up to five glorious nights in a row, but alas, it is not to be. Noah has a cold and so do I. Now I get why I'm sick: I'm exhausted, I haven't eaten a full, hot meal in ages, and I have a 12-pound linebacker leeching calories and nutrients from me at every possible occasion. On the other hand, I've damn near killed myself to pump precious precious antibodies into Noah every two to three hours for nine and a half weeks and yet the kid still can't fight off the first cold that floats his way. I'm starting to feel like I have been seriously beaten with the short end of the breastfeeding stick. Anyway, last night involved lots of tending to a hysterical little baby who couldn't breathe and not so much sleep. (He's feeling just fine this morning, of course, while I'm warmed-over phlegm on toast.) (And that's THIS week's version of the same "why my advice sucks" song and dance that I preface every Smackdown with, blah blah, cough cough.) I have dutifully read your previous... Read more →

Today's Smackdown comes with a warning: The sleep deprivation thing has hit me SO MOTHERFUCKING HARD. Would you like to know how hard? This hard: Yesterday I decided to go to one of those Reel Moms movie screenings. I decided to see Walk the Line. I decided to see it in Virginia. Except: I did not correctly read the location of the theater and assumed it was playing at this one mall in Tyson's Corner called the Galleria. Except: The mall I first went to? Was NOT the Galleria. So I got back in the car and drove to the Galleria. Except: The Galleria does not even have a movie theater. After another REALLY CONFUSED phone call to Jason, I asked him to look up the Reel Moms page on Lowe's website and tell me where in hell this fucking theater is, and hurry up, it's pouring down rain. And I may have cursed a little more than that, as I loaded the carseat back in the car and folded up the stroller for literally the FIFTH TIME IN A HALF HOUR. The theater was not even in a mall. Why did I think it was in a mall? Well,... Read more →

Oh man, I'm so torn. On the one hand, it's Wednesday, which means that logically, I should write an Advice Smackdown. On the other hand, I have a batch of what may be the most adorable, Internet-melting baby photos yet. I mean, for real: I wonder if I can somehow combine the substance of a Smackdown with the cheap thrill of a baby photo essay and create what could be the ULTIMATE ENTRY, one that would please the old-school readers AND the ones who curse any entry that is not a baby photo entry and who are still bitter that I haven't finished Part Two of Noah's Birth Story, which I KNOW, OKAY? I'll get it done before his first birthday, I swear. I thought it would be fun to write about my hospital stay and my Roommate From Hell Who Would Not Stop Discussing Her Diarrhea and how I got yelled at for sneaking Illegal Ice Chips, but it's turning out to be more boring than fun, and I only like fun things. Like big goofy baby smiles! GOD. Anyway, the first question in today's Smackdown is actually a big fat generic response to the dozens of questions I've... Read more →

OH MY GOD, IT'S THE WEDNESDAY ADVICE SMACKDOWN! For the bazillion new readers who have joined us via The Washingtonian, davebarry.com or who are Just Here For The Baby Pictures, here's a little background: Once upon a time I felt like being bossy and told my friends to invent fake questions that I would make up fake advice for on Wednesdays. Then people started sending in real questions. So I tried to start giving real advice, with dubious results. You can read every past Smackdown and/or Smackdownish entry by clicking here. Translation: I am not very good at this and probably don't know what I'm talking about most of the time. Passive-Aggressive Translation: Because I openly admit that, you are not allowed to tell me that I don't know what I'm talking about in the comments section. I may be full of shit, but it's uppity shit and I don't want to hear about it. Today the Smackdown returns to its old school roots when I used to bang out questions one at a time throughout the whole day when I had free time at work. Now I will post questions whenever Noah is asleep or otherwise entertained. (Don't get... Read more →