Haiku Smackdown : Mullets, Drunks & Internet Clichés
June 03, 2004
Website crashes, long
weekends deter us not...the
Smackdown lives on, yo.
We're disorganized
and a tad drunk, but still we
soldier on for 'ku.
Onward, brave 'kuers!
Through mullets, white trash and drunks!
Lay some smack, bitches!
(Click on a thumbnail for full version.)
JonBenet grows up,
royal icing on her head;
cash advance book deal!
I love my bike. No--
you don't understand--I mean,
Biblically, man.
Beer goggles won't do.
This is a job that calls for
scorpion bowl specs.
Busted in public
library for downloading
nun-on-nun action.
Bubba dared me to
dip mah thang in the mustard--
things got outta hand.
Ready for mug shot
benzoyl peroxide would help;
maybe some Visine?
somehow, the long hair
in the back softens effect
of Hitler mustache.
Mine eyes deceive me.
No. I refuse to believe
mullet family.
Look, its The Mullets
right before they went to the
Quiet Riot show.
Sister Catherine looks
for some good Internet porn.
Sadly, she finds nun.
Paris Hilton at
age eight, finalist in Miss
Future Ho Pageant.
Amy ponders - "Is
it wise to consume a drink
larger than my head?"
We're celebrating
The release of PoA
With couldron baking
Like those spider mold
Or Easy-Bake ovens, cause
One day 'tul Harry!!!
The poor little girl
Forced to look like Chuck Norris
And B.R. Cyrus
Sister Marie finds
The best secret on the web:
Now she 'kus all day!
Despite Manson eyes
And mullet style, dude's hair looks
Kind of healthy, no?
I'm all for mustard
fights but taking pictures? Please,
I still have my pride!
Fave part of mustard
Man pic? Folks gathered like they
Paid to see this shit.
Know the old saying?
Families that spray together,
They stay together
Mullet kid is really
15 years old. Aerosol
hairspray stunts growth, y'all.
Li'l beauty queen forced
to hold cash at gunpoint. "I'm
happy Ma, I swear!"
My big crown brings all
the boys to the yard, damn right,
it's bigger than yours.
Nun knows the ropes of
surfing now that she's gotten
into the habit.
I need a Divorce,
MrZoot does not have the
rockin' mullet 'do!
Well, there's one way to
Prevent bike theft. But why share
The blanket too, Bo?
What puts me off more?
That its larger than my head?
Or the scads of smoke?
Momma says with this
money, I can finally
get the boob job now!
Does that family
Keep that portrait on their wall?
Or is it hidden.
Also - what gender
Is that poor mullet offspring?
Cant tell, boy or girl?
Oh no not the nun!
Another victim falls to
Internet gambling
Think mullet kid's a
Boy, and that pic's on their wall,
With ninety others.
The flesh-colored thing
in the corner worries me
more than the mustard.
Why am I dead sure
the motorcycle pic was
snapped in a motel?
He wanted to see
If Queer Eye would fix him up
But they were too scared.
The Mullet Family
Brought to you by Breck Shampoo
Where is the Trans Am?
It's Tanya Harding
She's preparing for a fight
Needs more Tequila
Cash for the plastic
surgery-slash-rehab fund!
Mama, we can share!
Should be enough for
boobs for me and teeth for you.
Let's go hock this crown!
The delicate pearls
around Mullet Mom's neck add
a nice touch of class.
Everyone should know
"Do you know the Mustard Man"
Potato Salad
Mean Mister Mustard
sleeps in the park in a van
down by the river.
Loni Anderson
Looking back on early years
Who would have seen it?
Behold! This is the
real reason Amy hasn't
been posting so much.
Still trying to crawl
out of that fishbowl (but look
how happy she seems)!
Beauty queenette should
spend that dough on a dress NOT
made out of icing.
I am pissed off now
That guy's sleeping with my bike
My bike is a ho!
Another reason
No to drink while you're driving
You wake up with that?
Nothing says real love
like a bed full of fat guy
and a motor bike.
I'm wondering how
They got a picture of him
Amalah's Boyfriend?
Sister Mary was
soon busted for downloading
MP3s of hymns.
"You mean this is not
the way I'm supposed to make
the special sauce dude?"
"When big hair transplants
go very wrong" on the next
Jerry Springer - Yo.
Nun looks familiar
Yes, Mindy put a caption
"Oh Baby right there".
The pretty Amy
says, "Dude, I SO ordered the
LARGE drink. You dumbass."
Genuine! You know
mah boyfriend was back-hair man
from a few weeks back.
Oh God please no more
I think I lost my breakfast
That dude made my meal!
Trans Am's out front, propped
On cinder blocks – no wait,
Crazy eyes stole it.
The Nun in Smackdown
She is good at making ku
tongue helps her counting!
Nun thinks to herself,
"Yeah, there he is that sexy
Rude Cactus. Oh babe."
Suspect those aren't pearls
But Mardi Gras beads. Loving
The turtleneck, though.
From the floor, pickles
scream "Oh! The humanity!
Condiment carnage!"
Not knowing his date
His favorite position
Lee finds happiness
Mullet Man tries to
clear up zit with the heat of
his furious gaze.
Amy ponders how
To take a sip when the damn
Straw's at eye level.
Why was she always
asking for another straw
Mindy drinks solo!
Motorcycle man
takes "boring the cylinders"
a little too far.
I'd love to know what
Happened: oven racks, pickles,
Tomatoes. The hell?
Please don't tell my wife
What happens in Las Vegas
never is revealed.
Bike lies awake and
wondering: Should I buy him
breakfast? Or just scoot?
Mindy's career as
Miss Midget is short lived once
puberty arrives.
Please tell me they won't
Serve the mustard, or the beef
Patties on TV.
Mustard Man says, "Dude,
Alvin and the Chipmunks?
Are you serious?"
(By the way, y'all can
win a date with Mustard Man.
No, for real. For. Real.)
click here, condiment lovers
Please meet Miss Mullet
Circa 1982
She paid for her crown.
Photo commemorating
the lucky escape
from yesterday's lightning strike
Looking like Pee Wee
He would be wrongly accused
Playing with himself.
Seeing Lee in bed
I am so haikuing this!
He has horsepower!
Fat Guy gives meaning
Hold the mustard and pickles
He is literal!
Something just tells me
That someone will be paying
For hotel cleaning
Tammy Faye Baker
Making her first donation
To PTL Club!
Tammy Faye Baker
Making her first donation
To PTL Club!
Colonel Mustard's son,
the somewhat less successful
Private Bo Mustard.
Bloodshot mullet guy
resembles the super on
One Day At A Time.
Twenty Five Thousand?
Amber thought there would be more
Mindy thought so too!
You want literal?
Ed took the phrase "ride a bike"
too seriously.
The high price of gas
Has some sleeping with their bikes
getting their mileage.
When he was done, Ed
lit a smoke. Both Ed and the
bike were blown to bits.
That motorcycle's
been around the block a few
times, know what I mean?
How much you wanna
bet all that cash went towards
lottery tickets?
The before picture
This man belongs on the swan
He needed some help!
I bet the Mullet
Family gets teased a lot.
Get it? Teased? Sorry.
The loud pipes save lives
Then the quiet nes get laid
How do your pipes sound?
Mustard Jar sez "kill...
me..." but it is too late. Grim
scene from 'Alien'
"Evacuate bowl!"
Cried fish whose habitat was
poisoned with green sludge.
"A fine solution!"
Said evil bartender who
poisoned his girlfriend.
"You talkin' to me?
Naw, dude. you can't pull it off.
De Niro you ain't.
I'll blackmail that bitch
Mother Superior--found
her old nudie pix!
Angry mugshot man
fails to grasp why most women
don't want to date him.
Don't know if I'd drink
Something that could double to
Tell me my future
Tragically, a week
after this pic is taken
his ex slashed the tires
Its a new pastime
That's just sweeping the nation:
Take your own mugshot!
Mustard man lost bet -
kitchen rat DID fit in jar
but did NOT like it
Oh holy lord god.
That little girl went to a
tanning booth, I'll bet.
Sister Marie was
Shocked at fetish porn popups
She said, "Holy shit!"
Hey Sister, you should
drop porn like a bad habbit
and keep tounge in mouth